Caught up in the matrix of "The Bluprint 3"

Ever since buying this CD (yes, I still buy cds) I cannot get the lyrics out of my head. Each track speaks to me and that is why I believe so many millions of people have been mesmerized by Jay's latest masterpiece. I had to physically break myself free from playing it everyday on my way to work...it was crazy. Not only are the beats fresh and innovative, Jay's metaphors take tale-telling to a whole new level. So today, I dedicate my entries to you, Hov!!

MIND: (from 'So Ambitious')..."Just whispering behind my back, no vision, lack of ambition, so wack!/Motivation to me, is them telling me what I could not be, oh well"...
Man, when the haters come out in full force, I just sing this to myself in my head. I must say- the major haters in my life have become some of my biggest motivators. I thrive off of resistance and opposition. Call me an egomaniac, but I enjoy proving people wrong. Most of my ambition comes from my persistence in defying the cards I was dealt at birth: female, Black, Puerto-Rican, ghetto..I wasn't supposed to succeed. Anthony, Candy and Marjorie had bigger and better plans for me.

BODY: (from 'What We Talkin' About?')..."Talkin' bout progress I ain't lookin' back/You know I run track try not to get lapped"
Well, from 1986-1992 I did run track - and I was pretty good. One of the major instructions from our coaches during meets, "don't get lapped". So what did that mean to us? Run faster, push harder, don't give up, focus on the finish line. That's exactly what got me back in the gym on a regular basis over the last couple of months. It's all about the progress that I intend to make, not about the times I've fallen off the gym/fitness wagon in the past. If I kept focusing on that, I was never going to make any progress in the future. Before I knew it, 30 mins. of cardio turned into 60 mins. - 1 day a week turned into 3 sometimes even 4. That's what I'M TALKIN' BOUT!

SOUL: (from 'Run This Town')..."Life's a game but it's not fair/I break the rules, so I don't care/So I keep doin' my own thing/Walkin' tall against the rain"

I mean, what else can I say about that verse? 2009 rained down pretty hard on me at times - monsoon strength I thought. My umbrella ripped up in the wind, shoes got all soaked, hair was ruined...but I kept walking tall against all of the rain. Sometimes that's what we have to do in life - say "Eff the rain, I gotta do me!" 2009 has taught me all about my own level of endurance and perseverance. Thought about throwing in the towel a few times 'cause things just seemed too heavy to bear - but that's when I had to dig a little deeper, get a little dirtier, trudge a little farther. Guess what, all that hard and agonizing work built some pretty solid muscles.

ETC: (from 'Empire State of Mind')..."Concrete jungle where dreams are made of/There's nothing you can't do"

I had so many dreams growing up in Harlem for the first 18 years of my life. When my family moved away in '92 I realize that I moved away from my dreams as well. There is truly a vibe in NYC that doesn't exist anywhere else I've ever been. If you dream it, you can be it. It's like my batteries get recharged each and every time I come into the 212 area code...I feel alive, refreshed, re-energized, refocused. My current area code may say "617" but I am truly back to living with an Empire State of Mind!

Stop the hate...spread the luv

Okay, so 365 days ago We The People voted this man in office with a resounding "Yes we can" and 335 electoral votes - if I remember correctly. Like most people who start at a new job We The People gave him a bit of a honeymoon period after 1/20/09...and that lasted about 38 minutes. "Fix the economy -TODAY!"...."End all the wars - TODAY!"..."Give me back all the money I lost in the stock market - TODAY!"..."Put me back to work - TODAY!"...and "Get us out of this (#)trillion dollar deficit - TODAY!"

I'm not saying that things are taking a little longer than I would have expected, but look at all the crap Barack Obama inherited on day one. He's only been in office for almost 9 months. So many people have turned their backs on him because he forgot to recharge his magic fix-it wand on the evening of his inauguration.

MIND: My mind tells me to just have faith that he really does have the best interests of the American people at the top of his agenda. How many times have you heard in life "it's not your best, but I'll give you an A for effort"? Can we at least all agree that this man IS trying?

BODY: "Keep on keepin' on"

SOUL: I know that a lot of people are hurting right now in this country, but we have to believe in this man once again. Remember that he is working with a host of other people - he can't make all the decisions on his own - but he is trying. If the next 3 years don't get any better then voice your choice at the polls on Election Day 2012. For now, be patient and in the meantime, make sure that you follow through on all the goals and promises you make today.

ETC: I really need to start investing in those secret formula Dominican hair care products! I'm trying to gradually wean myself off of chemically processing my hair and I don't know what Miguelina and Josephina put in those bowls at the bodega hair salons but they make your hair look FABULOUS!!! So smooth and silky and sweet smelling. My Dominicanas can hook your hair up royally. I'm on a mission...

I will never forget

Anyone who lived through the horrific events of 9/11/01 will feel the need to reflect on every September 11th for the rest of their lives. I'm not going to re-hash my every steps and feelings and memories of that day...way too painful. Instead choose to discuss the value adde my life by experiencing such an event at the age of 27 and living by myself in the city of Boston at that time.

MIND: Sheer panic...confusion...sickness...shock....mentally paralyzed. My father worked in lower Manhattan, my sister and mother were in the Poconos, I had close friends and family living in NYC, Pittsburgh and D.C. - and 2 of the planes left from Logan Airport (just a few minutes north of Boston). Could I have been any more entrenched in the chaos?

BODY: Shaking, sweaty, crying, headache, nauseous...more crying

SOUL: That day's events were His way of showing me that I need to no longer take the gift of life for granted. I could have been one of the approximate 3,000 that never made it home that night. From that point I never ended a conversation or a visit with my parents and sister w/o an "I love you" or a "thank you" or a bear hug. Yes, death is inevitable but I never thought about it in the context of going to work or riding the train or flying for leisure. Because I now live in a managed state of fear (have not boarded a plane since 2000 and have no plans in doing so probably ever again) I have to make the decision each day not to let it cripple my life. When I drop my daughter off @ school I make sure that she gets one last kiss and hug just in case He sees it fit to call eitehr of us Home before we lay eyes on each other again. When my husband and I disagree I dwell on the fact that this man would walk over glass for me (as I would for him) and not on the fact that for one moment in time we did not agree on something that 99.9% of the time is non-life-threatening. We don't go to bed angry or hold grudges - too many of those left behind as of 9/12/01 carry that burden of guilt and neither of us wants to seal our fate with that. I take more photographs now. The one and only picture I ever took of the WTC (after living in NYC until the age of 18) was taken from the top of the Empire State Building on Wednesday 8/15/01. I was giving one of my good sista-girls an NYC tour and the ESB was our stop mid-day. The sun was shining, about 85 degrees, perfect. I made sure to take a picture from each side of the observation deck. At first I thought "it's just the World Trade Center...I've seen it a million times...why take a picture of it now?" I knew I would be back in the City another time - I would have preferred a picture of it lit up at night, but took the photograph anyway. I was back in the city for Thanksgiving...but the WTC was gone for good.

Back in the saddle

My apologies for pretty much taking the summer off. The little muchkin to the left spent 6 weeks with her grandparents and aunt in PA so Lady Miz Marvelous had the entire time to reconnect with the hubby, with nature and most importantly - with myself! Aaah, it was heaven. I missd my baby (truly I did) but the time she spent apart from us really gave me the chance to take one long look in the mirror and set an agenda for a path to a more fufulling and purpose-driven life. Here are just some of the things I (re)learned about my authentic self: I really miss painting and drawing on a regular basis, I love the feeling of a sweaty forehead and face after a good cardio session, my physical health is a visible reflection of my mental and emotional health, I might not have everything I want in terms of a career but that doesn't mean I can't make moves outside of the office. So after a lot of soul-searching and heartfelt sunset conversations with the hubby as we sat on our porch, Lady Miz Marvelous is back better and stronger than when I left back in June...better believe it.

MIND: My life is what I make of it. Worry and stress are lethal to the soul. So used the opportunity of getting a new office at work to create a brand new energy for my M-F grind. I painted 2 new portraits, threw away 2 large bags of crap and surrounded my workspace with positive images. The result.....I haven't had a bad day yet! Mind over matter, people...mind over matter.

BODY: That is the BIG project. The goal to losing 75lbs. The motiviation is purely intrinsic. I look at people like (my American Idol) Michelle Obama, Madonna, Jennifer Aniston, Tina Turner and all these women have made their bodies works of art: sculpted arms, toned cores, CRAZY shaped legs. No surgery (that we know of), no gimmicks, no quick fixes - just good clean living. That's what I want for myself, and ultimately for my family. So one more gym membership renewal and the personal committment to swiping my card no less that 3x every week and definitely once every weekend. So far, so good after being 3 weeks in.

SOUL: Where do I start? I've let go of a lot of the emotional weight that I've been carrying around for the last couple of years and I can actually feel a spring in my step. It's not easy though. Every day is a new committment to self. No more beating myself up over things that I cannot control or change. What I am in control of are my thoughts, words and actions. So I've committed to telling the truth on a daily basis - to myself and to other people. It hurts sometimes (as the real truth tends to do...) but you know what? It is what it is. Scales, mirrors and children don't lie. I have found that the mucnhkin up top is a clear reflection of what's going on with me on the inside. My energy rubs off on her. When I stress less, she shines more :-)

ETC: Okay, I am loving(3X) "the Wendy Williams" show! Yes, she's very over-the-top and tends to be a bit rude and inappropriate but that's exactly why I love her. She can laugh at herself and isn't afraid to admit to her shortcomings and limitations. Plus, she seems like she loves life and just enjoys coming to work each day (and her outfits/wigs/accessories are fiiiieeerce!)
"HOW YOU DOOOOOOOIN'?"

My American Idol

Just when my 34.9 year old mind starts to doubt my potential and puts me into a funk, this glorious image to the right reminds me of just why the Creator put me here on this earth. Today I'm going to devote the next several paragraphs to our First Lady Michelle Obama. Oh how I marvel at this woman and see so much of myself, my mother, my mother's mother and hopefully what my daughter will evolve into later on in her life. Not so much the obvious of being married to the President of the United States, but just being an undeniably awesome, fearless, dedicated, headstrong, humble and a fiercely beautiful Black woman. There, I said it. For the first time in my life I can see myself in the image of the woman living at 1600 Pennsylvania avenue. I must admit, just glancing at her as she graces counts of magazines (the May issue of "Essence" being my all-time favorite) brings chills over my whole body. Just the thought of Mrs. Obama being not only the face of the First Lady of the United States, but the face of Black women projected to the rest of the civilized world...I can't stand the magnitude sometimes. Look up "strong Black woman" in the dictionary - oh wait, who am I fooling - it's 2009...google the phrase "strong Black woman" and I'm sure this picture will be staring back at you. She is just one more example of the type of woman my mamma groomed me to be that I can add to the pantheon of strong Black women in my life: my mother, my nana, my nana's sisters, my mother's cousins, my cousins, my Sista-Girls, the list goes on and on. She makes it all look so easy; motherhood, marriage, career, Mom-In-Chief. She reminds me that on those days when my daughter is just a tad reluctant to get out of bed in the morning for school, my clothes haven't been ironed and my husband can't find his keys - I need to chill out, take a deep breath and HANDLE MY BUSINESS! I'm sure Michelle has her melt-down moments, but the presence of her mother right upstairs, the undying love and devotion of her "Pumpski" Barack, the giggles and hugs from those two angels Sasha and Malia along with a tail wag from Bo are all she probably needs to get back on track and keep it movin'. Thank you Michelle for just being you.

MIND: Elated. Plain and simple. Ever since 1/20/09 I have a new appreciation for myself and my role on this earth. My head is held a bit higher. My shoulders arch a bit further back and instead of letting life and all the negativity get the best of me I've learned to take my Michelle Obama vitamins for a good day's supply of energy, optimism, humor and "ride or die-ness".

BODY: Still on this whole Atkins plan. But looking at Mrs. Obama reminds me that no double cheeseburger from Mc Donald's is gonna taste as good as I'm gonna look by the end of this summer just doing what I know I need to do and not making excuses for my horrible eating habits.

SOUL: Probably 50% of my newfound motivation is coming from the little Black girl I brought into this world almost 6 years ago. She's very perceptive and she and I share a bond that's as air-tight as mommy and daughter can be. I want her to be able to look at me the way I look at my mother (and the way I am sure Sasha & Malia look at Michelle)...with complete confidence and certainty that Mommy can and will handle anything that comes her way. She'll do it with style, grace and wit. She might occasionally be the underdog but NEVER the victim. Mommy holds herself accountable but doesn't beat herself up for being an imperfect being. Mommy learns from her mistakes and poor choices and at the end of the day Mommy can only love and support everyone else if she does those very things for herself first.

ETC: I'm just dying for the day when I see a pic of Michelle with Malia sitting between her knees getting her hair "twisted up" with a jar of Dax and a cup of water on a hot summer's afternoon. Now THAT will be classic!

Mind Over Matter

"The setback is the set-up for the comeback!" (BJ Coleman, friend of Miz Star Jones). Laawwwd, if that isn't my new and personal mantra for the 0-9. Lemme stop trippin' over all the petty and unimportant thoughts that occupy my mind and force me off track when I'm on a serious mission. In retrospect, most of my greatest achievements in life have come after times of trials and tribulations. I say this as I much on a garden salad and sip on Crystal Light for an Atkins' appropriate lunch. Yeah, I said it...I'm back on the bandwagon. Most might feel it is an automatic set-up for failure as I am forbidden from any sugar, starch or more than 20gr. of carbohydrates per day. But you know what...folks are lucky that I'm NOT a millionaire, cuz I would have had a head to toe nip & tuck about 5 years ago...for reals. Miz Star knows what I'm talking about and I can't hate on her for taking matters into her own hands...cuz (IMHO) she looks fantastic!!!

MIND: My mind is a little mushy right now, but I'm working on it....just battling the mind demons that are telling me to "give up" in certain situations. My inner-athlete is saying " Are you crazy???? You keep pushing 'til you drag yourself over the finish line." My finish line reads "135lbs and healthy".

BODY: Snaps for me for playing basketball with my step-daughter this weekend!!! It was so much fun. I forgot how much I used to love working up a good sweat all in the name of outdoor recreation. Plus, it gave my ego a wee boost to know that I could keep up with a girl less than 1/2 my age who plays bball herself. I must remember that I really have NO excuses for not getting into better shape by the end of this summer.

SOUL: I'll turn 35 in 5 weeks from today. Scary...yes. exciting...yes. I'm looking forward to signing a new lease on life. I am sure that my American Idol Michelle Obama has a lot to do with it. Once I learned not only to admit but accept and improve upon my shortcomings, the feelings of guilt and pessimism slowly vanished. My despair is now replaced with hope. My doubt is now replaced with a renewed sense of fearlessness and mental fortitude. Watch out world!!! The old me is back and the sky is my limit.

ETC: Damn you, Celtics :-( I'm hoping to see LeBron /vs./ Kobe in the finals!!

Back from a little break

Ahhh, the splendor that is Mother's Day....completely wonderful this year! My hubby and mini-me woke me up around 9am with hugs and kisses, cards, gifts and verbal tributes to me and my role as Mommy. Next, a trip to IHOP (yum x3)..a stroll through Harvard's campus...a stroll through Boston Commons...afternoon sundaes for all from Mickey D's....a 4 hour nap.....a hubby-made dinner of fettuccine & chicken Alfredo w/garlic bread (yum x4). Plus, the weather was perfect - not too hot or too cold, a bit windy though...but perfect nonetheless. Truly the best gifts are the ones that are heart-felt and thoughtful :-)

MIND: So for the millionth time, it's back to the Atkins' Diet for me starting today. My bday is soon approaching and I really have no excuse. Perfect day so far (as I currently nosh on my garden salad sans my favorite garlic-seasoned croutons) so I am not planning on spoiling it. My total goal is 75lbs. Pretty ambitious, but in my younger years, all I had was ambition and big dreams - I need to get back to that.

BODY: (see "MIND")...other than that, feeling okay. Have to remember to start taking my multi-vitamins again as Atkins' won't allow any fruit or juice during the induction phase (which I will be on for an extended period of time).

SOUL: Yesterday was so great and refreshing that it feels like I just came back from vacation. The Hubby and I were getting so bogged down with the baggage of life and the stress that comes along with it that getting out in the sunshine and fresh air recharged our engines. Plus, my mini-me kept us in stiches with her quirky sense of humor...she's the funniest little thing at 5 years old. For the 4 hours that we were out, we just enjoyed each other's company, walked slow, noticed t he world around us and relished in the pure joy on our daughter's face as she ran and twirled and climbed in the park. Just what the doctor ordered.

ETC: Did you see the Celtics win at the buzzer last night??? Friggin' awesome! I have never witnessed a buzzer-beater in real time (only on highlight replays) so I was excited - I know, pretty corny and unimportant to most people, but I though it was cool. Also, my sis is planning a visit next month - now that she's 22 we can actually hang out like BFF's and grab a drink or two - NICE!!

THIS is how I want to feel every day....really "yippee skippy". BTW, this is my little sis just moments after receiving her undergrad degree last weekend. Despite the extra year that it took her, the rain that all of us sat through and her ji-nor-mous amount of student loan debt, she's still giving life a thumbs up and the best kool aid smile she could muster up....gotta love it!

MIND: feeling really woozy...had a pre-treatment for my upcoming root canal this morning and the novocaine is just now wearing off. But i'm, proud of me for going in the first place. I've been avoiding the dentist for longer than I would like to admit, so today was a big step for me

BODY: Did a bunch of walking this morning - in the rain no less. I could have taken the train 2 stops from my daughter's school to the dentist, but I decided to hike it and smell all the fresh flowers and trees in bloom along the way. I know, not a big deal to most, but passing up public transportation is a BIG deal for me.

SOUL: No complaints today...which is good for me. Sure there are things that i should have started/fininshed/made progress on during my work day, but I can only do what I can do...I'm sure ALL of my unfinished business will be here when I get back in about 15 hours...OH WAIT A MINUTE...MY JAM JUST CAME ON..."POKER FACE" BY LADY GAGA.....OH SNAP! i'm chair dancing right NOW!!!!

ETC: i think the celtics play tonight in game #2 of their series...i can't take it. i am officially a boston sports fanatic. I have missed sleep on too many a night b/c of some god-awful 9th inning for the sox, a double or triple overtime for the celtics or some nail-biting last quarter for the patriots - but I LOVE BOSTON SPORTS! such great rivalries and the victory parades are awesome :-)

-til tomorrow,

LMM

Blog Virgin

SO...this is what it feels like to to myself out there for all of the world to see. I must say, feels pretty darn liberating. No format. No restrictions. No worries. I have always thought "what if I was a blogger????" Well, now I am. Though I must admit, it all started with Facebook. It reminded me that there is a whole world out there and that every person matters. Okay, so here are my thoughts for today:

MIND: totally stressed. I have a dentist appointment in the morning and I'm really embarrassed that I have spent 5 years teaching my daughter all about good oral hygeine and taking care of her pearly whites and I have totally taken myself off of that priority list. No time like the present, i guess. Kinda scared, but knowing is better than ignoring I suppose.

BODY: (see "MIND" for what is physically ailing me right now)...other than that, I'mon day #1 of my "better body" lifestyle: ate yogurt and granola for breakfast, a garden salad and H2O for lunch, staring @ the apple that I was supposed to have eaten by now and thinking about a low-cal dinner to be eaten in the next 2 hours

SOUL: feel totally rejuvenated after a long weekend spent w/the parents and my sister who just graduated from college on Saturday..."GO SWOOPY!" (that's my nickname for her). I haven't seen them since Christmas and a visit was just what I needed. OH, Mother's Day is this Sunday so I'm looking forward to the cake my Sweet (that's the hubby) and our daughter will bake for me...woo hoo!

ETC: I am so obsessed w/the BRAVO series "Real Housewives" and the NYC show comes to an end tonight...can't wait.